#9
The archive, which I had never specifically entered before, was as desolate and barren as the ruins of a fallen empire. The bookshelves lining the circular walls were packed with books of indeterminable age, and from the impossibly high windows, ancient sunlight seeped in like water.
Watching the sparkling dust like fine powder within, I was reminded of a school of small fish in a giant aquarium. The light slanted down in fan-like rays, and the two scribes seated in the center of the archive, copying ancient texts, were more devout than any priest. Their desks supporting parchment looked just like altars. And Johannes.
Johannes stood silently beside them. Dignified in his solitary presence, like a worshipped deity.
“Our young lady has risen early.”
Johannes did not turn around once. As it was improper to lend an ear to the private conversations of the noble family, the scribes did not make the slightest movement other than their transcribing hands. I did not answer. I simply could not open my mouth. My heart was pounding.
“Did you sleep well?”
Johannes asked, and again I could not answer. …Did you sleep well? He asked if I slept well? My insides trembled at his tone, no different from usual, and the layers of settled bone dust began to scatter, which was why. Johannes then slowly turned to look at me.
“At least greet me.”
His tone was somewhat imperious, as if conscious of the gazes around. In fact, even that tone, no different from everyday, scratched my skin like rough nails.
Fully turned around, Johannes stared at me from a proper distance. Soon he awkwardly rubbed his forehead and averted his gaze.
“I understand even if you don’t bring it up first. You’re here because of… what happened yesterday, right?”
I couldn’t believe that voice. Johannes’ eyes as he mentioned ‘what happened yesterday’ were neither filled with madness nor like a dragon’s. His light blue irises pooled with light were merely calm. As if it was just a slightly embarrassing matter, as if nothing had happened.
How could he.
I felt my breath catch. Cold sweat began to seep into my palms as I widened my eyes. Because I didn’t expect him to bring it up so easily, an unprecedented inner rage surged up and I felt like the back of my eyes would burn up any moment.
Johannes, with his head tilted slightly downward, sat on the edge of the desk and continued with difficulty.
“You may not be used to it, but it’s actually not that uncommon. So I hope you’ll try to understand in advance.”
“……”
“Still, I know I must have startled you. I shouldn’t deny even that. I’m sorry. I showed an unsightly side of myself.”
“……”
“I’m sorry.”
That embarrassed… and troubled-looking face.
As if it was too painful to speak of it himself… grabbing the back of his neck with one hand, that utterly nonchalant attitude! Johannes’ demeanor alone was a tragedy for me. It was like being mercilessly punched in the solar plexus. I couldn’t even blink. My lips parted involuntarily.
“Who are you… to ask for my understanding?”
“…Isonette.”
“Are you perhaps cra… huh?”
“What?”
Johannes raised his head abruptly and our eyes met.
At that moment, I don’t know how I could say such a thing. My voice was not my own. It felt as if something deeply suppressed had torn through my vocal cords of its own accord.
“You say it’s not uncommon…? That you just showed an unsightly side of yourself?”
“Isonette.”
“Are you saying that in your right mind?”
Johannes must have been shocked by my behavior, which he had never seen or heard in his life, but I couldn’t stop. The archive instantly became noisy.
“Young lady!”
Griselda grabbed my arm, which was trembling with rage, and the chairs pushed back by the scribes who had suddenly stood up lost their balance and fell over. The scribes neither sat back down nor left their places, just standing there awkwardly. A heap of tense gazes poured over us.
“Everyone out.”
Johannes rose from his seat. It was a composed tone that had completely erased his previous surprised expression.
“Isonette, you stay.”
He, ordered me as well.
However, no one moved, including myself. After a brief wait with no sign of anyone vacating their seats, Johannes threw a sharp glance around.
“What are you doing.”
“Y-young master.”
The guards who should never leave my side stammered as they tried to disobey. But in a fortress where the duke was absent, they simply couldn’t defy the order of the acting lord that fell like thunder.
“Are you not leaving?”
Johannes glared at the servants as if he would set fire to their backsides. No one could withstand that gaze. Frozen feet began to stumble backwards. The massive door opened and closed with a heavy sound, and finally, only the two of us remained in the archive after everyone had left.
In the empty archive, an anxious silence echoed hollowly.
After standing in silence for a moment, Johannes began to wander around the center of the archive at some point. Having thrown away the composure he had been maintaining somehow, he shook his head alone, sighed, lifted his face and lowered it, busy. Then, he stopped abruptly.
“Isonette.”
He stood still in front of me as if he had made some decision.
“I’m not entirely unaware of how you feel, but is that incident really something to be so angry about? Did I do something so wrong? Enough to be cursed at out of the blue like this?”
That tone, that expression. With the unjustness that had not quite faded away, bristling like a splinter.
“Good heavens…. What are you saying now…?”
I felt the blood rush to my face. Even shamelessness should have its limits. Johannes seemed to have erased even a shred of shame, and I was so appalled by that brazen shamelessness that my tongue wouldn’t roll properly. The previous shock was not like being punched or anything, it was merely the pain of being pricked by a reed, so for the first time that day, I nearly struck Johannes.
“Johannes. You…. Are you not ashamed?”
At that moment, Johannes’ brow furrowed miserably. Though I felt anger bordering on sadness in his silent glare at me, I was not in a state to care about his feelings. I could only grasp my trembling hands tightly behind my back, trying to endure, my wrists aching from the effort. Unable to bear it any longer, my insides spilled out.
“You know, I, at least at first… I thought it wasn’t you. In fact, until I heard you speak, I couldn’t quite tell! Ah, Johannes…! Is there nothing in this world you fear? Is that why you didn’t listen to me even once when I tried so hard to stop you? I begged you, begged you to stop even now, didn’t I?”
I saw Johannes’ mouth tighten. He closed his eyes briefly and took a short breath. He stepped back and opened his eyes again. A somewhat deflated gaze stared at me. As I was stunned by his suddenly subdued attitude, Johannes asked me.
“When… did you try to stop me.”
It was a voice so low it was hard to understand.
“From the moment you called me, continuously!”
I shouted again. Johannes, who had briefly looked upset, replied in a heavily restrained tone.
“I never called you. You were the one who came down.”
“No, not then…!”
“Do you mean just before that? Isonette. I remember clearly, I didn’t call you and you didn’t worry about me or try to stop me either. Not even once. You just stood outside the door the whole time… watching.”
I shook my head and said.
“That’s not what I’m talking about now.”
“Then when.”
“Obviously, after that….”
It was from that moment that I began to feel there was something amiss in our conversation. Johannes silently stared at me. Those eyes, as if he truly didn’t understand what I meant, as if he really had no idea what was going on. Eyes filled with gloomy reproach. No way.
Suddenly struck by a thought like a chill on the back of my neck, I hurriedly asked.
“Do you remember?”
“Remember what.”
“Last night, do you remember everything?”
“…Yesterday?”
Johannes’ eyes were dark as he questioned back. I clung to him with just my voice.
“How much do you remember? How much?”
“…I don’t understand what you’re asking.”
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand. Answer me.”
“Take back the question.”
“Why?”
“It’s not an experience I want to recall by bringing it up repeatedly.”
Johannes shook his head. I cried out urgently.
“No. No. I need to hear it.”
“Isonette.”
“I must hear it. I have to!”
I approached Johannes, who seemed about to turn away from me completely, almost running. In my haste, I had stepped forward without even realizing it myself. And then, having advanced of my own accord, I nearly startled.
His scent.
At that moment, the cool fragrance that Johannes seemed to deliberately wear, the one that had permeated the bedroom all night long and I had no choice but to smell, came at me like a sword blade. My whole body shuddered. My throat, cracked all over from excessive moaning, stung. Just as the sacrilege poured out last night was about to wash over me again like a tide, nearly causing me to convulse.
Johannes retreated first.
With large strides befitting his tall stature, one step for him, several steps for me, far away. Don’t tremble, don’t tremble. I clasped my convulsing hands behind my back, remembering the distance between Johannes and myself.
“That person….”
Johannes, who had been silent for a while, suddenly opened his mouth.
“He even enclosed a negotiation document with that portrait.”
He seemed a bit anxious. I saw Johannes’ gaze, which I had always thought to be straight, wandering in the air unusually. What? What is this story? My anger briefly broke as I couldn’t fathom his intentions. Johannes spoke quickly.
“For an old man, he sure knows how to handle things. Just like a southerner, he’s completely like a snake’s offspring. How could the progress be this fast? You might even end up getting married with a glove on your side. Aren’t you curious about the conditions? I can tell you while Father is away.”
There was even a hint of dejected laughter at the end of this fragmented story. Dumbfounded, I asked Johannes, who had started pacing again midway through.
“What use is it for me to know that?”
“It’s your marriage, isn’t it? It’s good to know the details of the deal. I hear there’s a magnificent coffin in the in-laws’ house.”
Johannes didn’t look back once.
“No. I don’t want to hear it. I’m not curious.”
“You might end up using it yourself, you know? Listen. The amethyst circumference is 7 vichen…”
“Since when has this been my business!”
A sharp voice burst out, echoing loudly through the archive. Johannes stopped abruptly. Although it seemed somewhat out of place, I had been listening thinking there might be some connection, but all he had to say was… just about my marriage. Ah, when had they ever proceeded according to my wishes or feelings? I couldn’t bear the anger welling up inside me. That day, all my emotions sprang from my muscles.
Turns Out He’s Been Secretly in Love with Me
One-line summary: He acts like he doesn’t like her but is actually playing hard to get.
Synopsis:
Xu Muzhou like her. He has liked her for a very long time, and through repeated schemes, he finally closed the distance with her.
But this is still far from enough.
He wants to be the one who stands out among her many suitors, to fight for her attention, and to make her take the initiative to pursue him.
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